Self Acceptance

The type of self acceptance that I find most helpful is to accept that you have enough worth to try your very best in life - to improve your life and the lives of those around you. Very often we hear in pop culture and in more prominent psychological figures/speakers the phrase “I am enough”; almost as if it’s a battlecry opposing the shame that has been wrought upon them from individuals or systems in their life.

 “I am enough”. What does that mean?! It’s important to ask that because depending on what someone means when they say they are “enough”, it can lead to healthy changes or a worsened quality of life and relationships.

When working on acceptance the tricky thing is that it can go either way. A client can feel liberated from things holding them back and improve, or they can use “acceptance” as a justification tactic (deliberately or unknowingly) for more unhealthy lifestyle choices.  How about this take on “I am enough” - You HAVE enough worth to do the hard and more meaningful thing in your life. You HAVE enough worth and you owe it to your future self to strive upward, to accept the pain of life, to be honest with yourself - even if it is difficult. To “accept” means to accept possibilities that yes, you’ve made mistakes but you can redeem yourself! By accepting pain and truth we “shall be made free '' - and I believe in the truth of our potential to choose how we react to a setback, mistake, or a negative circumstance in a certain way to come out better for it. It is better to be liberated by a painful truth than to be imprisoned and doomed to repeat failures in a feedback loop all kept alive by a comforting lie. 

Please, do not deny what you have been through but also don’t define yourself or the rest of your life by it. We are more than our pain and our circumstances/our past. We must accept our potential to improve and to overcome and to hold ourselves accountable to that vision of who we truly want to become.

In order to become the best version of ourselves, we must first accept what we do not want to about ourselves. To view what we otherwise would turn away from can be the beginning of great and positive change. To view and accept what is in us that is undesirable can be painful and simultaneously healing. In the Lord of the Rings, the elf queen Galadriel offers Frodo the chance to gaze into a magical reflective pool that will show him things of the future and of himself. She says “Many things I can command the Mirror to reveal, and to some I can show what they desire to see. But the Mirror will also show things unbidden, and those are often stranger and more profitable than things which we wish to behold.” (362) The things we do not wish to behold are often the more profitable. If we can accept these things in our life (be honest with ourselves) we can then start to change.

By accepting both our flaws and also our potential to overcome these flaws, besides self-honesty, psychological flexibility is necessary. To be psychologically flexible is to accept our emotions, our faults, our setbacks, our failures, our situation and to not draw unchangeable conclusions but to stay open to possibility for movement (forward movement). Psychological flexibility is to remain open to not just the negative side of ourselves or our story but also the positive and optimistic side. If we can pull out all that is within, and start to look at it without conclusive judgment, we just may have a shot at making healthy, long lasting changes. 

I include and close with a fantastic quote from American psychologist Carl Rogers on the connection between self-acceptance, psychological flexibility, and change:

“To the extent that this person is open to all of his experience, he has access to all of the available data in the situation, on which to base his behavior. He has knowledge of his own feelings and impulses, which are often complex and contradictory.  He is freely able to sense the social demands, from the relatively rigid social “laws” to the desires of friends and family.  He has access to his memories of similar situations, and the consequences of different behaviors in those situations. He has a relatively accurate perception of this external situation in all of its complexity.  He is better able to permit his total organism, his conscious thought participating, to consider, weigh and balance each stimulus, need and demand, and its relative weight and intensity. Out of this complex weighing and balancing he is able to discover that course of actions which seems to come closest to satisfying all his needs in the situation long-range as well as immediate needs. (118)

References: 

Carl Rogers - On Becoming a Person

Practicing Intentional Loneliness a.k.a. Solitude

You would think that in a world that is so “connected” via the internet and various other technologies, that loneliness would not be a main struggle we have as a society or as a species. However, the epidemic of loneliness continues to spread. That feeling, the feeling of loneliness, or rather the fear of being alone, is so powerful that I have seen it lead to individuals tolerating, or even inflicting, other kinds of pain and suffering just to avoid it. 

Philosopher Blaise Pascal said, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” There has been research (Univ. of Virginia) to suggest that people struggle with being alone just with their own thoughts to the extent that they would accept an electric shock vs. being alone for only 15 mins. 

 “Alone. Yes, that's the key word, the most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn’t hold a candle to it and hell is only a poor synonym.” - Salem’s Lot - Stephen King. 

An interesting concept when it comes to loneliness is objective vs subjective reality and experiences. It is in fact possible for an individual to be objectively surrounded by others, and yet subjectively feel alone. Researchers out of the University of Chicago, Hawkley and Cacioppo state that “Loneliness is synonymous with perceived social isolation, not with objective social isolation. People can live relatively solitary lives and not feel lonely, and conversely, they can live an ostensibly rich social life and feel lonely nevertheless. Loneliness is defined as a distressing feeling that accompanies the perception that one’s social needs are not being met by the quantity or especially the quality of one’s social relationships” (bold and italics added). 

Did you catch that? Loneliness has more to do with our perception of being alone rather than the objective reality of not being surrounded by people. 

While feeling lonely is linked to our perception of being alone, we cannot ignore the fact that we, as a species and as carriers of a deep and rich psyche, do need objective time with others around us but not just any time; rather time that is spent IN PERSON enjoying or engaging in something meaningfully shared. Difficult and rigorous observation/analysis is not required to plainly see that “online connection” just doesn’t cut it. It’s not fulfilling that need for connection no matter how badly we want it to (there is plenty of neuroscience to confidently back up this claim). The need and call from within, to seek out others and connect with them much like our ancestors within a tribe, is real and must be heeded. This may require you to step out of your comfort zone, to be the initiator, to confront some pain, but the health of your mind, body, and soul depends upon it. 

There will however inevitably be times when we are alone. So, is it then possible to objectively be alone and yet, not feel alone? Yes, and it (solitude) is a skill just like any other that needs to be practiced. I frequently will have my clients face their times of being objectively alone with the perspective of it being a gift; the gift of solitude rather than the burden of loneliness. 

I would encourage any and all to institute some intentional loneliness. To purposefully carve out just 10-15 mins of your day and to be with your thoughts. Put away the screens, turn off and hide your phone. You can go into this time of intentional loneliness with a question in mind from your actual life and experiences, a general philosophical question (feel free to google “philosophical questions to ponder” and pick one!), or you can enter this intentional time of loneliness with the goal to “just be”: to find a quiet place in nature or in your home, and to “just be” in the moment. To “just be” is not necessarily the emptying of the mind but rather paying HYPER attention to all that is around you. Find a park bench, step away from the office and go outside and practice what the buddhists call “mindful walking or being”: paying hyper attention to the sights, sounds, smells all around you - by doing so, you lose a sense of “otherness” and begin to feel connected to all that is.

By practicing intentional loneliness we build up the tolerance for those times when we are objectively alone so that we don’t feel  alone but rather see it as a beautiful and recharging gift. In an age of so many parties, actors, industries, companies, corporations, etc. competing for our time, give some time to yourself and your own mind - connect to that part of you that is connected to the deeper and grander force that connects us all. It just may be the type of grounding you need in a world whose ground is constantly shifting beneath our feet.

References: 
Avoiding Loneliness through Electrical shock - https://www.science.org/content/article/people-would-rather-be-electrically-shocked-left-alone-their-thoughts

Loneliness perceived, Univ of Chicago research - 

https://academic.oup.com/abm/article/40/2/218/4569527

The Unpopular Truth About Compassion

Compassion is not compassion without wisdom or consequences. Compassion is presently being conflated with giving an unchained subjective moral license to do as you please. To be compassionate is to do nothing but affirm, affirm, affirm. But if we affirm without wisdom or boundaries - we most likely lead those we love to more harm and problems. Many historical atrocities have been done to those in the name of “compassion” - the road to hell is paved with good intentions as they say.

I do not align with Nietzsche on many aspects of his philosophy but when it comes to compassion and what that truly means, I agree. He says, “But if you have a suffering friend, be a resting place for his suffering, but a hard bed, as it were…: thus will you profit him best.”

What Nietzsche is saying there is to provide as much relief as is needed until that person can get up and continue on their way. We can’t make things too comfortable or else they’ll never leave. If they don’t leave, that doesn’t profit the version of themselves that they could be! This is a tricky balance to strike, but it is vital to the growth of our loved ones and our children. How irresponsibly toxic for us to provide too “soft of a bed” to those we love. It invariably leads to the weakening of their legs and back to bear the weight of their proverbial crosses in life. 

I’ve worked with many addicts that have said that the best thing for them was when someone that truly cared for them told them not what they wanted to hear, but what they needed to hear.  To tell someone what they need to hear is providing that “hard bed” that Nietzsche described. 

But how do you know what will truly be helpful? How do you know what that thing is that the other needs to hear? Hard to say. But to pause and practice wisdom is necessary. To ask, what does this action/message give to the other person? Or, does this “compassion” do something for me?  Does this provide a clearer path to true and lasting peace in their life? Is what I’m about to say hopefully going to lead to the growth of their soul? These are good questions to ask oneself when trying to strike that aforementioned “tricky balance” of soft but not too soft. 

A good formula to keep in mind is one that I have used throughout the years of practicing therapy (especially with adolescents) - 

Compassion = boundaries + attunement*

*Boundaries - what is okay/what is not okay based on tried and true classical principles of behavior

*Attunement - empathizing with someone’s emotions and what they are going through.

Allowing others, in the name of compassion, to act in misalignment with good tried and true principles, harms them. It’s not compassion. It’s cowardly niceness. But to only come down as a hammer is not compassionate either. We must express empathy for the difficulty someone faces in living according to principles or boundaries set. Also, we must express empathy for the challenges that people face of no fault of their own. However, that empathy must be paired with an expectation of responsibility to endure our afflictions in alignment with a set of values. 

This is important: There are times that when one acts in misalignment with values, growth occurs. This is natural and part of the process in all of our lives. The key word however is growth. If what someone is doing is resulting in growth or evolving towards a better life free from needless suffering then great! In contrast, if the choices of someone you know are keeping them in a stagnant, repetitive feedback loop of needless suffering, then it may be time to provide that “hard bed”.

A word of caution: Understand your limits of influence. You can say and point something out but it is still their choice to help themselves or to follow your words of counsel.  But you have at least done your part. Their autonomy (context dependent, e.g. you can respect an adult’s autonomy more than say a child or minor under your care) will need to be honored or else it then becomes your victory and not theirs. 

While it is wise to understand and recognize your limitations of influence and wisdom, it is foolish and sad to believe you have nothing to offer. When offering that “hard bed” - are we presuming we know better than them? Perhaps. But to constantly assume we don’t know what is good for someone can be just as, if not more harmful. Once again, there is value at times to leave those we love alone to make their way through life. To know when to involve yourself or to remove yourself (the “tricky balance”) requires patience and the wise questions previously mentioned.

I’ll end with this - Sorry, the kids/teens are not in charge. Purely psychologically speaking, it says in the New Testament that to enter the kingdom of heaven one must be like unto a child; note how it encourages us to be like a child but NOT to be childish. To let a child or a loved one make life altering decisions beyond their capacity to understand the consequences of those decisions, leads them to more suffering: all while you sit back in the name of “compassion”. This is not only childish but dangerous and weak. It’s not about going around telling everyone what to do - but giving people the space to “live their truth” leads to a loss of tradition and values which ends with more depression and anxiety. Why? Because what’s more anxious and depressing than trying to figure out how to navigate this world from scratch on your own?! No limitations set = limitless options = heightened anxiety.

Matthew 15:14 says, “Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.”

Do not willingly blind yourself to the hard things or to hard conversations with loved ones. If we do, the blind attempt to lead themselves. And they will lead themselves…right off a cliff….all because of your “compassion”. Yes, you may not know everything, but you don’t know nothing! There are the blind that need our help. Perhaps you’ve learned some hard truths along the way that have given you a broader vision. Do not be afraid to share it. It may be the most compassionate thing you will ever do.

Citations - Thus Spake Zarathustra - F. Nietzsche

      The New Testament - KJV Bible

There is so much to be said about trauma that while writing this I found it hard to narrow in on exactly what I would like to say but if you’ll be patient with me, let’s see if we can make some of this all connect. 

Firstly, there is a debate happening in the mental health field. Despite what it may seem like, not every therapist is on board with using the word “trauma” to describe anything that is beyond one’s capacity to cope. I am unapologetically one of those therapists. Not everything is a trauma response. Could it be? Sure, but is it? 

I saw the other day online an advertisement saying that “procrastination IS a trauma response”. Once again, I guess it could be? But to say such a blanket statement like that seems a little presumptuous. When I was in college, procrastinating starting many papers to the night before they’re due, resulting in pulling an all-nighter, was not a trauma response but rather the result of a misaligned value structure; I valued spending time with my friends rather than buckling down and writing a paper. Procrastination for most of us, is something so natural (the avoidance of pain/discomfort) and where it could be a trauma response depends on the context of the situation. But that’s my point, to label something as traumatic I believe deserves specifics and a well thought out exploration of the proverbial landscape. When we make the term too general and broad, it becomes meaningless.

It’s important to use caution when using the label “trauma”. If “trauma” is defined as anything that goes beyond our ability to cope with (as I have recently had it presented to me as such by other colleagues), then we run into the “your truth” problem (getting further away from what actually IS because of endless interpretations of “my/your/their truth”). How many times have I heard “I can’t take it anymore”. Can we really not take it anymore? Or do we convince ourselves as such? Do we undercut our ability to “cope” because of a label we have subjectively decided by ourselves as being true? I believe more often than not, we do. 

Please don’t misunderstand me. It’s not about telling someone else that what they’ve been through isn’t as bad but more about telling yourself. It’s also not an invitation to discredit what you may be going through but rather an invitation to take perspective on what you are going through so that you can find in your pain a stronger inner belief; a belief stronger than the pain that you can use to not only endure but to endure it meaningfully. You are bigger than your pain.

Comparison (like judgment) can get a bad wrap. We have these emotions and cognitive abilities for a reason and just like anything, they can be used wisely or misused foolishly. Comparing what you’ve been through vs someone else can be helpful (see ourselves as capable of handling what we’re going through) or it can be harmful (jockeying for the “top spot” of the one ultimately the most victimized in an attempt to justify our behaviors, our virtue, elevate our status/credibility, etc.). 

As referenced just above, a risk in comparing what you are going through to others is the invalidation of your pain. That is not the goal. The goal is to: Yes, accept that what you are going through is hard but to also accept that others have been through hard things as well (maybe harder), have gotten through it, and you can too!

I have found in my practice that I never have to encourage my clients to take that perspective directly. Once they are validated and seen in their pain, they start to take perspective and wisely compare their pain to others on their own. Then, subsequently, their vision widens and they see not only a path out of their suffering or their metaphorical dark cave, but also things that now, in the present, they have to be grateful for. Once we validate our own pain (man, this really sucks), and to accept that it sucks vs judging it, our mind is free to take in perspective, use comparison wisely, and hopefully find meaning in what we are going through. But this has to be a personal choice. To have others tell you (like a know it all therapist on a blog) to compare your pain to others in the moment doesn’t work. This is more of a personal tool to be used once we have shown ourselves the proper care to see the hurt, see the difficulty, and to acknowledge it. Teddy Roosevelt said that “No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care”.

I fully recognize that the subject of trauma can be complex and difficult to navigate. Hopefully I have presented some things to consider before we go around labeling everything as “trauma”. I call upon those in my industry to please use caution before calling someone’s pain or difficult circumstances “trauma” because if you recognize anything as trauma while that can be validating to some, it can be invalidating to others. Just imagine for a second: Are you really going to feel good, honest, and solid about yourself claiming/believing you are traumatized because you went through a bad break up, or a teacher yelled at you in grade school all year while you stand next to a first responder of 9/11 and or a survivor of the holocaust? Or, would you at least pause a moment and think about what you’re about to say? Would you at least take a second and wonder if you truly are traumatized? That pause, brought on by a wise and cautious comparison of someone else’s pain to yours, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you don’t feel your pain to be a fair comparison to the hypothetical examples above, that may mean something about your pain: Not that you’re a terrible person or a wimp because you’re struggling, but that you are stronger than you think. That with some perspective, you can still find what you, internally and externally, DO have that will allow you to get through your current struggles. 

Acceptance and recognition followed by proper perspective, helps us to make healthier choices that can free us from prolonged needless suffering. Pain can be so isolating - that’s why by first validating our pain, followed by a broadening of our horizons/perspectives, we can potentially see that our pain does not have to be all consuming of our identity and story. 

 Depression Part 2

Okay, let’s get a little more deep into the topic of depression; what causes one to be depressed? Also, what is behind the rising rates of depression? (an increase the likes of which has never been reported before). This can be complicated because of the sheer complexity of our brains, our individual personalities, our personal experiences, etc. Is it a chemical imbalance issue? Is it a spiritual issue? Some kind of combination? 

Empirically, it is most likely NOT due to a chemical imbalance. I know. This is hard to take in since according to recent surveys 80% of the public believes depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. However, in July of 2022, the University College London published their large-scale review of  various studies involving tens of thousands of participants, to determine if serotonin levels (high or low) have any influence on being depressed. The study’s lead author states “It is always difficult to prove a negative, but I think we can safely say that after a vast amount of research conducted over several decades, there is no convincing evidence that depression is caused by serotonin abnormalities, particularly by lower levels or reduced activity of serotonin.”

Let me be clear, I am not saying that our emotional struggles/depression have nothing to do with chemicals in our body or other biological factors, rather I just wanted to highlight that relying on the “chemical imbalance” theory as the go-to/main cause for our depression is narrow minded and may blind us from other things that may better explain the cause and/or continuation of our depression more accurately.

So, if it can be reasonably argued that depression is not correlated with serotonin levels, then what might be causing this spike in depression? 

Once again, as often is the case, we can turn to the past for answers/insight. Viktor Frankl, in his book The Unconscious God, writes of what causes a societal uptick in depression.  What Frankl believes is that a societal shift in depression would be the result of an “existential vacuum”. An “existential vacuum” is defined as “not only a sense of meaninglessness but also of emptiness” (90). What leads a society to feel this sense of meaninglessness and emptiness that arguably has more of an impact on our depression than a chemical imbalance? Frankl lists 3 causes:

1. A loss of traditions and values

2. Reductionism (the view of human beings as being nothing more than primal drives and instincts

3. An obsession with the self

All 3 of these causes can begin to feed into themselves and create a deadly feedback loop. If we do not have spirit in us, if we are nothing more than another animal in this world (reductionism) and our spirituality is nothing but a culturally conditioned response to events or a mere firing of neurons in our brain, then there is no deep meaning in our traditions and values. Our traditions and values are no better than any other set of belief systems; so why hold onto them? Why not just give into our animal desires? If there is no meaning to be fulfilled in following our set of traditions and values then we naturally turn inward. Why not look out for me and my own? If there is nothing calling to me, outside of myself, of value and meaning, then hyper self-interpretation and analysis follows.  Frankl states:

As the boomerang returns to the hunter who has thrown it only when it has missed its target, so man returns to himself, reflects upon himself and becomes overly concerned with self-interpretation only when he has, as it were, missed his mission, having been frustrated in his search for meaning. (97)

Have certain traditions and values caused harm to individuals or sets of people at various times in history? Of course. But there is a difference between the innate goodness of the value, the meaning that can be had if we fulfill that tradition or value and our human proclivity to fall short. We have to, of course, switch out the bath water from time to time (re-evaluate our value system) but that is different than abandoning the entire system as a whole (throwing out the baby with the bath water). When that occurs, we are on our way to an existential vacuum. 

So what might be done about this? Might there be a turnaround in the depression levels in our society if we return to a set of traditions and values that offered us a way out of ourselves/our own hyper self-interpretation? If we start to view ourselves as not only biological in nature, but also spiritual, might we begin to feel our life has purpose and meaning? If we are spiritual creatures who have a responsibility to fulfill a set of values in this world, might we start to look outward for ways to fulfill that purpose? Yes. Yes. and Yes. 

I tell my clients frequently that we all need something to do. We need a quest or ideals to strive for (much like the ideals found in traditions and values). Stories, movies, and video games that are predicated on a quest are widely popular. There is a reason for this. To live our life as if it’s a quest; to live and pursue a mission is how we ought to live. When we live as if we ought to live, fulfillment follows. Living as we want to live, to pursue what we think is “freedom” (turning our back on tradition and values to live unencumbered by moral rules/guidelines), to satisfy our physical desires (reductionism), leads to an obsession of the self; If that occurs, misery is what follows. 

So, pursue what is meaningful. Pursue something that will place a demand on you. Pursue something that is focused outside of yourself. Have patience with yourself as you attempt to discover that meaningful pursuit in your life…what else are you going to do that is more worthwhile than that? 

Depression: Part 1

This topic, depression, will be broken into two parts. Understanding depression, treating it, managing it, etc. can be approached from so many angles. This post will be more looking at depression on a surface/practical/lifestyle level. The next post will go deeper into the realm of meaning and purpose and how the lack of, can lead to depression. But for now, let’s not go too deep, let’s keep it practical, and start by looking at our everyday choices and what they could be doing to contribute to our overall mood. 

When I’m treating someone with depression I start by exploring if what they are feeling is typical or clinical. The reason I do this is because all of us are vulnerable to the ups and downs of life. When in graduate school, I was an intern therapist at the university’s mental health clinic (may the good Lord above forgive me for the terrible therapy I provided those people). Before each appointment, the clients would be given a survey to fill out on an electronic tablet. The survey was tracking their mood and overall depression levels, comparing and tracking their progress from their 1st appointment, to each following week of therapy. In order to determine if they are actually depressed, their scores on the survey had to be compared to the general population’s scores. The general population meaning, those who are not in therapy currently but just going about their daily lives. The client’s results/scores were placed on a 0-10 scale (0 being no depression at all, 10 being severely depressed, if not suicidal). Now, if you were to guess what the average score of depression was in the general population; or in other words, the level of sadness that everyone is usually walking around with, what would you guess? The answer is 4-5. Upon seeing this, the clients wouldn’t feel so bad when they would score a 6-8 because compared to everyone else, come to find out, they’re not so bad. The next step I would do with these clients is explore with them lifestyle changes they could make, to take their score from, let’s say, a 7 down to a 6, then over the next few weeks, from a 6 down to a 5, and so on. 

Depression and pain can be lonely, because well, you are the one feeling it. We can’t literally give it to someone else or divide and share it. However, when we know that on average, we are not that far off from the general population’s scores of feeling negative emotion, it can give us hope. That maybe, just maybe, we can make some adjustments in our lives to start to feel better; because very often, if not always, you have to do better before you feel better. 

To “do better before feeling better” is the correct order of operations. All too frequently, we wait to feel better (motivated) before we do better (action/change). We have to be driven by discipline, devotion, and an acceptance of pain (all of which are deeper than motivation). But where do we start? What areas of our life can we begin to explore to discover how we could be doing better?

May I suggest looking at the following areas of your life (almost like an inventory) and look for any ways, no matter how small, you could be doing better. The key to this is honesty; to honestly and openly reflect on how you are living now and if there is any way you could do something differently that would benefit you. If you open your mind and soul to this, you’ll hear that small voice inside you guiding you to clarity and direction.

Sleep - What are my habits around sleeping? Do I/Should I get up at relatively the same time and go to bed at the same time every night? Do I have a nightly routine that helps my body, mind, and soul get ready for bed? (A routine that doesn’t involve screens at least 1 hour before bed). 

Nutrition/Food & Water - How much water do I drink? If I’m being honest, should I drink more? How much sugar am I ingesting each day? Is there a balance (hey, I enjoy a cookie and donut just like anyone else) that is now off? How do I feel when I eat healthier vs when I let loose? 

Exercise - Am I either lifting weights or engaging in cardiovascular type workouts at least 3-4 times a week for 45 mins each time? Where could I start? Could I at least go for 2 walks this week? What support can I ask for to get this done? 

Relationship with Screens/Entertainment - What entertainment am I taking in? Pay attention to how you feel afterwards. Have I consumed too much? What is this time on screens really doing for me in the context of my overall mood? 

Time management & Routines - How do I spend my time? Am I productive at work? What do I do with my free time? Do I live my life with a plan in mind that is fairly consistent? Is my time management too strict and organized? Too chaotic? Do I routinely set aside time to be with people? Do I spend way too much time online? 

Spirituality - Do I feel connected to something bigger than me that leads to positive growth? God? Nature? My community? 

Relationships - What is the state of the most important relationships in my life? While I may not have the types of relationships I want (ex., being single and wanting to be married), do I still take time to nurture the familial and peer relationships that I DO have? Is there a strained relationship that I am avoiding? Do I need to work things out with this person before it gets worse? 

Work/Job environment - Is the work I am doing meaningful? If so, why or why not? Am I satisfied with my work? Would I feel better if I really gave it my all? Do I have a decent relationship with my boss or co-workers?

Cleanliness of living spaces/work spaces - Think of your room, workspace, home and your mind as being reflective of one another;  how are things looking? Can I pick an organizing/beautifying task in one of my spaces and make it better? How does it feel when I do that? How might a cleaner and more beautiful space affect my mental state?  

Values - What inherently good values are important to me? Am I living up to them? For example, Do I value honesty? Do I lie frequently to others? Do I lie to myself? Telling the truth to myself - What do I need to change!? Finally acknowledging the truth-  Do I need to break up with him?  I wonder how I would feel if I really tried to tell the truth for 2 weeks. Hmmm.

Do I value kindness and compassion? I wonder if I would feel better if I made a deliberate effort to reach out and help someone that is in need of help. Or at the very least, look around and seek ways to help others in my neighborhood. Are my beliefs/perspectives/value system bearing good fruit? 

Okay, now that you have a roadmap for a lifestyle inventory, give it a try. There are various ways to look at and treat depression, but this is always a good place to start. It will take effort, lots of reflecting and sometimes some bravery, but I encourage anyone to do this. Yes, it may reveal some failures in our everyday choices. Yes, it may leave us feeling down about ourselves, but that feeling is due to a choice of perspective. You can look at this inventory as a sign of your failures (which, okay, it could be) and/or you can look at it as a roadmap to feeling better. 

In a world where immediacy and quick fixes abound, getting back to patiently improving ourselves a little bit at a time can be hard but trust me, it’s worth it. I’ve seen this approach effectively help people not only make positive change but sustainable change! Except for some comfort and perhaps pride, what do you have to lose? We can accept the pain of making necessary changes now, or experience the suffering from not making these changes later. 

“The conquest of the soul is in reality a work of patience, self sacrifice, and devotion.” - Carl Jung

“Straight, not straightened.” - M Aurelius

Part 1 of The Big 3:

Anxiety

by Ron Squire

In my experience as a therapist I have treated a lot of what is sometimes referred to as the “big 3”. The big 3 are Anxiety, Depression, and Trauma. Today’s thoughts will focus on Anxiety (although at times, not always, but at times - all 3 can become connected, interwoven, and start to feed off one another). 

Anxiety can be seen as an alarm system. Anxiety comes from a very ancient and old part of our brain. Its main purpose is to keep us protected and alive. Anxiety is actually what has contributed to us as a species surviving this long. Anxiety overestimates threats and underestimates our abilities to deal with the threats (whether real or imaginary). Think about it, if we perceive a threat, and we don't feel we can handle it, then we run. Running away from something leads to a higher chance we’ll stay alive versus confronting it.

Another perspective on anxiety is that it’s a form of time traveling.Those suffering from anxiety or consistent worry live in “what if land” (future mindset) and not in “what is land” (present mindset). Constantly wondering about the “what ifs” in life can lead us down an endless maze of possibilities with danger and harm lying behind every turn. Thinking about the future is not always bad though. Future based thinking is necessary at times. There is, however, a difference between healthy future thought vs unhealthy future thought. William James in his book The Varieties of Religious Experience discusses this difference as “Fear Thought vs Forethought”. Forethought is good - “What do I pack for my trip?  How much will I need to save up for a new car? How many string cheeses will we need to bring to make sure our children don’t turn on us and lead a rebellion of violence and aggression?” Fear thought is bad. What differentiates fear thought from forethought you ask? Fear thought is thinking about something coming up that may be challenging and feeling incapable. There is something coming up and I AM INCAPABLE of meeting the challenge (remember, anxiety is an overestimation of a threat and an underestimation of our ability to deal with it).   

One well-intentioned goal of many clients is to “get rid of” their anxiety. While I understand their desire, that is something that will never happen. Anxiety is a part of our story, however, it does not have to be the entirety of our existence. Anxiety is not going away, but to what degree we feel anxiety (clinical or typical) we can maybe do something about.

Here are some general things I myself have tried as well as my clients that have been successful in keeping anxiety in check; at least enough to be able to more effectively navigate the challenge ahead:

1)Deep breath, step back - oxygen is fed to our frontal cortex, the analytical part of the brain responsible for taking perspective and navigating our way through the challenge in front of us. Oxygen intake will bring back online this part of the brain that can help keep the anxiety in check. 

2)Ground yourself in the present - check in with what IS, not what if. Then, really take stock of your capabilities to deal with what IS. Talk to your anxiety, thank your anxiety for doing its job. But then you can discard it by gently steering that anxiety in the right direction. Just by slowing down your breath and turning back on the analytical part of the brain (prefrontal cortex), you give yourself time and a chance to make the next best decision/move.

3) Choose your Move - 

But what is the move I should choose? 

To conquer your anxiety it takes voluntary, incremental steps towards the thing you’re afraid of. 

Do you over involve yourself? Are you a control freak? Does the loss of control bring up anxiety? If so, then the conquering of your fear would be taking voluntary incremental steps towards letting go; to remove yourself and just be. It’s not about inaction but rather disciplined inaction. 

Do you isolate yourself? Hide out? Avoid? If so, then the conquering of your fear would be taking voluntary steps towards the very thing that scares you. 

To engage or disengage? That is the question when it comes to anxiety. Which do I do? Well, it depends on what is more scary to you. If stepping forward and engaging is what terrifies you, then that is what you must do. If stepping back and letting go is what terrifies you, then that is what you must do. 

Anxiety is real but not real like a pen or an external object we can touch, taste, smell, etc. Anxiety is experienced within and once we recognize it for what it is (an alarm system that is just trying to protect us), take a deep breath, ground ourselves in the present, and start to bring back online the analytical part of our brain (introduce other perceptions or perspectives), we can choose what we do with it. 

To close I can’t say it better than Marcus Aurelius, in Meditations, when he says this about anxiety:

“External things are not the problem. It’s your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.” (110)

Today I escaped from my anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions - not outside.” (121)

Citations:

M. Aurelius - Meditations

William James - The Varieties of Religious Experience